A Picture is Worth a Thousand Explanations

This is a picture I took of Garrett at 6:15am on Saturday morning. By this time, I had already fed him, bathed him, changed him, and diapered him. This picture was taken seconds after he decided to poop into his diaper and a few moments before he chose to “investigate” my briefcase and then spit-up several ounces of his breakfast into the middle divider and onto a feature contract I had been working on revising.

The excuse used to be – “my dog ate my homework.” Now, it’s – “my baby threw up on your contract.”

Dreams That You Dare to Dream Really Do Come True….

Several years ago, my wife announced that it was her dream to write, perform, and professionally record an album. While she has always been an amazing singer, I was a little skeptical (but, still VERY supportive.) The process of creating a record is something entirely different and it is a dauntingly, massive undertaking. There are musicians to hire, producers to deal with, arrangements to compose, equipment to deal with, designers and photographers to wrangle, tracks to cut and then re-cut, etc. And, you’ve still got to find TIME to do all of this.

Over the past few years, she has giving birth to (and raised) two amazing children, excelled at a full-time (and demanding) career, and continued to put up with my shenanigans….and yet, she was still able to successfully achieve her dream. My wife is a living example of “if you really want it, you’ll find a way to make it happen.” I used to joke that GWE had the ability to simply “will” things into existence. Here is another example of that…

I am excited and overwhelmingly proud to announce that as of next Tuesday, August 7th, Audra Lee’s debut album, “I’m All In will be available on iTunes, Amazon, iHeartRadio, Spotify, and other digital distribution channels!!! You can see and hear her first original song “I’m All In” right here!!

Enjoy and please get the album!! It is available NEXT TUESDAY!!!!

Justin’s First Futon (Gimme Shelter, Part 3)

On Saturday, Justin and I hopped into the car and drove off in search of comfortable seating for his (currently-being-renovated) shed. We made it a whole 3 blocks when Justin suddenly announced that he was hungry. Knowing that dealing with a happy and fed Justin is much better than dealing with “low blood sugar Justin,” I made a detour and we stopped for turkey burgers. (Justin had no idea he was eating turkey. He kept humming and dancing in his seat over how good his “cheese burger” was.) When we were finished with lunch, we resumed our journey.

Since we are doing this project on a budget, I decided to start with a trip to The Salvation Army. As we walked in, Justin looked around and was immediately drawn to the most breakable items in the store. He was compelled to touch everything. I pulled him away and dragged him over to the furniture section. Lots of crap! There were huge sofas, outdated sofas, ugly sofas, sofas with chalk outlines from where the owner’s body had been discovered after her cats had eaten her….ok, that last one’s not true – but you get the idea.

Laying in the corner, Justin found a black mattress which was on a metal frame. I knew what it was, but Justin had no idea. I instructed him to lay down flat on it. Skeptically, he did as he was told. I then lifted one of the ends until it clicked into place, creating a “chair”. Justin’s eyes grew wide and he asked “how did you do that?” I told him it was magic. I then lifted it all the way up to release and laid it flat again. Finally, I grabbed the base of the frame (long ways) and lifted again from a different direction and the other end popped up creating a “couch.” Justin was amazed. He had just experienced his first futon! To him, this was a Sofa Transformer. (We shall call him “Lounge-imus Prime!”)

To me, this was a reminder of college debauchery. It’s difficult to explain to a five year old that “Daddy did some things on futons at college that he’s not proud of and there were OTHER things that Daddy did on futons that he was VERY proud of.”

He insisted that he wanted this futon for his shed. Since I didn’t see a price tag, I told Justin to stay on the futon to prevent anyone from “stealing it.” In retrospect, I probably should have explained that concept better, because when I returned with a saleswoman – Justin had a look of panic on his face as he was spread out all over the futon belly-down and clutching it like a rock climber.  The woman told me it was $80.00, but today everything was half off so this was only $40. SOLD!! (And, it was write-off to a charitable contribution!)

A new problem arose – how to get it home. As I was purchasing the futon, I asked the checkout woman if she had any twine. Luckily, she did!  I lifted the futon onto the top of the car, strapped it to the frame of the car, and then drove home…..very…….slowly.

One night, when everything is put together, I may put on my Syracuse Orangeman t-shirt, turn on some classic Hootie and the Blowfish, chill a bottle of GWE’s favorite wine cooler from college (Bartles & Jaymes Strawberry Daiquiri), and invite her over to check out Justin’s futon!

Gimme Shelter, Pt. 2

Hi Officer! What seems to be the problem??

Ok – I admit that this picture could be used as “evidence” in the future and there are no excuses for my actions. However, there is a perfectly good explanation as to why my 5 ½ year old son is sitting in the front seat of my car (and not his car seat) while a solid core, wooden door (which weighs approximately 75 lbs.) looms over his head. It’s called, “Daddy’s an idiot and didn’t think ahead.”

In an effort to remodel our shed into a useable “MCPASUTRRWRWS,” I decided it would be better to build a desk/work station instead of purchasing one. Since there was nothing else for us to do until Jose The-Fix-It-Man installed the windows and vent, we started on the desk first. After doing some measuring, I figured out that we could easily install a unit that was 80 inches by 24 inches against the east facing wall. After calling around, I found a lumber yard a few miles away from our house and spoke with “Norbert” (real name). He told me that he had just completed a similar project and used a “solid core, wooden door.” He told me that they had plenty in stock and to “come on by.”

On Saturday morning, Justin and I jumped into my car and headed to the lumber yard. The place was filled with giant silos containing all different shapes and sizes of wood. Together, we walked into the main office and were greeted by “Bubba” and “Skeeter.” (real names…on real name tags!) I explained that I had spoken with Norbert about what I needed and then I gave them the measurements. As we waited for them to bring us the door, Justin and I decided to look around.

The building we were in was half office/ half hardware store. Suspended from every hook on every wall were saws, blades, and knives. And of course, the first thing Justin had to touch was the giant blade on a table saw. All he saw were “shiny” things and all I could think of was the beginning of the movie “Ray” when he came home to find his brother dying from a gigantic gash in his chest caused by a power saw. I told Justin to keep his hands in his pockets and his foot on my foot. (Try this with a kid some time. If they have one foot on your foot, there isn’t that far they can go with the other one!)

After a few moments, Skeeter instructed me to bring the car around to the back of the store. As we pulled up, he was holding a huge wooden door. I had two thoughts, 1) Crap, I hope I measured correctly, and 2) Crap, how am I getting this thing home??? Luckily, I brought bungee cords with me because I thought I would be able to get these guys to strap it to the roof. Skeeter informed me that “for liability reasons” he was not allowed to assist me in loading my new purchase into or onto my car.

The only thing I could think to do was unbuckle Justin’s car seat, unlatch the second row and lower it down, put Justin in the front seat with me, load the door in as far as it would go…..and then hope for the best! With one hand on the steering wheel, one hand on Justin, and a raised elbow doing nothing to support the door – we raced home.

Here is the lesson from this experience (and probably a good life lesson) – “Just because something ‘fits’ doesn’t mean you should jam it in.”