7 Awesome Father’s Day Gifts (You Are Not Getting This Year!)

For Father’s Day last year, I wrote about the history of the holiday. This year, I thought I would provide assistance for some of you last minute shoppers. Sometimes it’s hard to figure out what to get the dad who has it all. Fear not! Here are some fantastic, thoughtful, and practical gifts!

1) Poop Freeze – This is a real product! How many times have your children proudly shown you their artwork from school? Now is your opportunity to proudly display your “work of art.” It’s Fecal Taxidermy! I like that the product features are: 1) Completely Non-Flammable, and 2) Does Not Harm Vegetation.

 

2) Yodeling Pickle – I cannot tell you how many times I’ve turned to my wife and said, “I wish we had a pickle that yodeled.” There are far too many occasions when a Yodeling Pickle is required. This pickle even comes with its own batteries! Warning: this is a choking hazard for idiots.

 

 

3) Robo Vacuum – This is the coolest thing I have ever seen. “Before they take over the Earth, they have to clean up your desktop debris.” I must have one of these. It comes in three colors, has arms that move, and looks like a Doctor Who Dalek. It is about the size of a bagel. The only downside is that it does not move around on its own like a Roomba. If they can figure out how to automate this, I’ll be the first one in line for Robo Vacuum 2.0.

 

4) Manhood Mittens – If you are celebrating Father’s Day this year, it’s because you have children. And, you have children because you didn’t do too many stupid things to your nuts over the years to cause them to stop working. So why not protect them?? If Fed Ex can figure out how to protect your packages from the elements, don’t you think you have a responsibility to protect your own “package”?!?!?!

 

5) Unicorn Meat – I pride myself on trying new things at a restaurant. If you can cook it, I will try it. The last “interesting” meal I had was at Incanto in San Fransisco. I ate the “Hot Mess”: Pig trotters, foie gras & pluots. And I don’t know what a pluot is! I now have my eyes (and taste buds) set on Unicorn Meat! Screw Lucky Charms – THIS should be “Magically Delicious!”

 

6) Talking Toilet Paper Roll – I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been on the toilet and wished I had someone to talk to. Problem solved!! Here is the Talking TP. The “spindle” actually allows you to record (and re-record) personal messages to greet anyone using your bathroom. According to the testimonials, this product has had fantastic results in “aiding” senior citizens and confusing dogs.

 

7) The Eastman Outdoors Jerky and Sausage Gun Kit with Five Extra Nozzles – Holy Shit!! I need a sausage caulker! YOU need a sausage caulker!! This is the perfect marriage of Black & Decker and Jimmy Dean! It comes with 3 sausage stuffing tubes, 2 jerky stuffing tubes, and a LARGE MEAT BARREL!!! I don’t know how you don’t have an erection just looking at this thing! How is this not the product of the year??

High Fashion

There really is no story to go along with this picture. It’s one of the hundreds of pictures I took last week (while GWE was out of town) to prove that the kids were still alive.

I sat him on his changing table and told him to give me his best “Blue Steel.”

We are still waiting to hear back on his application to “The Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too”.

Oedipus Priluck-a-Kiss

Please take a moment a look at the picture to the left. If you look closely, you can see Justin kissing my wife while at the same time glaring at me with a “this one’s mine, get your own” look!

Justin understands the basics – we are “mommy” and “daddy”, we are “married,” and we are affectionate towards one another. Over the past couple of weeks, whenever I’ve reached over to kiss GWE, my affection is met with an “EEEEWWWWWW!!! THAT’S GROSS!!” from my five year old son. And, there have been a few times when GWE and I have laughed this off and purposely kissed in front of him to rub it in his face. (I remember once kissing GWE in the driveway while Justin was buckled into my car. Even with all four windows and doors shut we heard a muted “EEEEEWWWWWW.”)

Justin doesn’t realize the depth of affection it took to make him! From what I remember, there was more than just kissing involved! All he knows is that daddy is kissing some lady that happens to be his mommy!

So, for the past few weeks, Justin has decided to stake his claim on “mommy.” When he kisses her goodnight, he goes out of his way to make sure I see it. He puts his hands on her face, tilts his head, makes sure to make eye-contact with me, and then he goes in for the kill!!

If I wake up one morning to find him standing over me with a dagger, we’ll all know that this was foretold. I can only hope that Little Garrett will avenge me!!