The Audition of a Wimpy Kid

Posted on Aug 30, 2016 by Jason

There are certain things in life that I don’t want my kids to experience. I don’t want them to experience war on a battlefield. I don’t want them to experience the inside of a jail cell. And, I don’t want them to experience life in Hollywood as actors.

I realize this is an odd thing to say considering I represent actors. But, this business is not meant for children. Most of the “mom-agers” are nuts, the pay sucks, and (even in success) this business has the ability to affect even the most grounded person. Plus, no child should have to endure that much rejection. Once the boys become adults and graduate from both Law School AND Medical School, then they will be free to make their own choices. But, for now, I will be making these decisions for them.

So…with all that being said and against my best personal and professional judgement, I allowed Justin to audition for a major motion picture. I don’t know why I caved. Maybe it was a moment of weakness. Or, maybe I was curious to see what his experience would be. Either way, he was going to have this one-time-only experience and it would be in a controlled environment.

Several weeks ago, there was a casting ‘breakdown’ (a detailed casting call of each of the characters) that came out for “The Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul.” This is one of Justin’s favorite books. Twentieth Century Fox was looking for the two lead kids: “Gregg” and “Rowley.” The studio wanted kids within the age range of 8-10. Initially, I ignored the breakdown because I don’t represent kids. It never crossed my mind to submit my own 9 year old.

However, someone sent GWE the public casting notice on Facebook, she forwarded it me and tagged “FARB” (You know who you are…I’m keeping you anonymous, but I’ll send you a note explaining your acronym.) because FARB is associated with the project. Reluctantly, I agreed to facilitate a taped audition. Normally, an actor would physically go to an audition where they would read for a casting director. I opted for taping an audition in the privacy of our home with GWE and Uncle (Actor, Producer, Director, etc.) Ethan.

So, on a Tuesday evening, with MoGWE by my side (as my witness) – I explained to Justin that Twentieth Century Fox was making this movie and he had the opportunity to audition for it. It took a few minutes for him to wrap his head around what I had just told him.

His first question was: “Am I going to be famous?!?!?!?”

“This is just an audition, buddy. Just a try-out.” I tried to explain.

“Will I get fan mail? Where will I put it? Do I get to do “Dancing with the Stars???” (I found his last question odd considering I had never seen him show an interest in dancing before.) His questions and level of excitement began to escalate very quickly. The best way to describe it is by imagining you’d handed someone a lottery ticket and having them assume they already won.

His final question was: “Can I tell my friends I’m going to be in the movie????” I had to keep lowering his expectations. “Justin – You don’t have the role yet. You have to audition for it. And, I’m sure 10,000 other kids are going to audition as well.”

That night, Justin went to sleep and dreamt of fame and fortune.

The next morning, when Justin realized that the audition was for “Rowley” (the side-kick) and not “Gregg” (the lead,) he was disappointed. Like I’ve done 1000 times with my clients, I had to explain to Justin that just because YOU see yourself as a certain role, THEY may not. BUT, if THEY see you do the role THEY requested and then THEY decided you’re more right for the other role, then YOU get to do the other role. I also explained to Justin that he would have to memorize the sides to audition. “Gregg” had 8 pages of dialogue. “Rowley” only had 3 pages of dialogue. He seemed satisfied with that explanation (and a little relieved to not have to do all that work.) GWE heard my explanation and marveled at the brand of bullshit I just fed my own son. She laughed and said, “You really are in the right career.”

Over the next few days, I heard Justin going over his material so many times that I could do it for him. I heard several logistical discussions between GWE and Uncle (Actor, Producer, Director, etc.) Ethan about how to put Justin on tape and who would be reading with him. I heard about the lighting and acoustics in his bedroom not being optimal for this type of recording. I was asked 500 times if I knew how to send casting the audition. I may have tersely reminded my wife….”Um, this is what I do professionally! Yea, I got it.”

And when everything was said and done – Justin had officially auditioned for a real movie!

Much to my relief, he didn’t get it. It’s not that he’s not talented and it’s not that I didn’t want to support him. I just want him to enjoy being a kid for as long as possible.

I guess I’ll have to wait a little longer before I can commission his allowance!

Justin Makes A Bed – Mine?

Posted on May 11, 2016 by Jason

Justin must want something, but he hasn’t told us what it is yet. However, there have been subtle clues around the house. Things are a little neater. Clothing has been put away and the “puppy-dog” eyes have made an appearance once or twice over the past two weeks.

The latest act of kindness has appeared in an unexpected place: my bedroom.

One morning, I climbed out of bed and wandered into the kitchen to look for coffee. When I returned, my bed was made and a note was placed neatly on the pillows:

Wow – he must want something very badly if he not only made his bed, but made mine as well!! I wonder what he wants.

Where’s the Pee???

Posted on May 5, 2016 by Jason

At least nothing happened to the Nintendo 3DS Justin was hiding under his bed!

It was my intention to write about three of four funny recent events with the boys. However, this evening, we had an incident with Garrett that made me so angry that I wasn’t able to get into “Ha, Ha, what a funny story!” mode. Now, I’m in the “Are you F#$#^&G kidding me????” mode.

At some point this evening, Garrett announced that he had to go to the bathroom. He made us pause the television and wait for him. After a few minutes, he returned with a guilty look on his face.

“Garrett? Did you pee in the potty?” I asked.

“Yes!” he announced to me and MoGWE. (Mother of Greatest Wife Ever)

I continued my mild interrogation. “But, I didn’t hear a flush. Did you flush the pee?”

“Yes!” he proclaimed.

Honestly, I didn’t believe him. My dad-senses were tingling and he looked guilty of something. I stood up and walked to the bathroom to see what had happened. From behind me I could hear MoGWE telling Garrett, “If you did something, you better tell your dad. He’s about to find out anyway!” I turned to see that his lips were sealed…with a smirk.

I looked in and around the potty. No evidence of anything. If he did it, he flushed it and that was the end of that.

A few hours later, with Justin soundly asleep in bed, I began Garrett’s nighttime routine. I put Garrett into pajamas, got him a cup of water, and I was about to read him a book when he whispered, “Daddy. I have to tell you a secret.” The smirk was still on his face, but now his whole body began to shake in a spastic manner like he was going to burst of excitement if he didn’t say this one thing.

“Ok. What’s your secret?” I asked, expecting to hear about something that happened at school that day.

“I snuck into Justin’s room, went under his bed, and peed on the floor!!!!!”

He said it with the frenzied excitement of someone who just won the lottery or found out they weren’t the father on “Maury.” My guess is that he thought I would find it just as funny and exciting. I did not. And, clearly, he did not anticipate the level of anger from me that this action would elicit.

Needless to say, toys were taken, tears were shed, and I made myself perfectly clear: if you piss on the floor again – you better be prepared to sleep in it!

It’s a good thing Justin doesn’t know what happened. The one thing that really upsets Justin is the thought of Garrett coming into his room without his permission. If he ever found out about what happened under his bed, he might need therapy!

Bird, Bird, The Bird is the Word!

Posted on Apr 25, 2016 by Jason

This is not the bird you’re looking for.

While having dinner at home one night, we decided to open the back doors and windows to allow a cool evening breeze into the house. GWE, the boys, and I sat around the table eating, laughing, and getting caught up on how everyone’s day went. It was a pleasant evening and nothing was out of the ordinary, until….all of a sudden…

… a bird flew into the house!

What was once a calm and relaxed dinner turned into a (slightly) chaotic moment. Justin, the child who doesn’t like to go outside or have nature come inside, froze in a panic. Garrett, the child who loves being outside…but probably loves chaos even more, was thrilled to see the bird! Garrett greeted the interruption with a mixture of dance, excitement, and screaming with glee. GWE and I took the tactical position of turning off all the lights in house, turning on the porch lights, and shooing the bird outside again.

Once the bird left, we closed the doors and windows and resumed our meal. However, the excitement in Garrett’s body could not be contained.

“I DID IT!! I DID IT!!! I DID IT!!!” Garrett squealed. “What? What did you do?” I asked.

“I HID!!!!!” He announced triumphantly, as if he had conquered Mother Nature by himself.

In case of emergency, I’m still not sure which kid will be the most useful!

I am an angry bird!

Bad Words for Good Kids

Posted on Mar 7, 2016 by Jason

There are spelling words and then there are words I would consider ‘verbal diarrhea.’ Week after week, we go review Justin’s spelling words with him and he usually does pretty well during the Friday spelling tests. However, this week, we’re dealing with a rectal explosion of orthographic study.

Justin (a 3^rd grader) was sent home with a new spelling word to learn, in addition to his 20 other spelling words. The word is: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. (Just for the record, I misspelled it twice while typing it….and I was reading it from a piece of paper!) It is a noun. Just from looking at it, I would have assumed someone died from it. Not the disease itself, but rather just from having to learn how to spell it. Whoever discovered it was smart enough not to put his or her name on it.

I asked GWE if this was a legitimate spelling word or if it was a bonus word. We were confused. The instruction clearly stated that if the word was spelled incorrectly, four points would be deducted from the final grade. However, this word is ridiculous and clearly not in league with Justin’s other spelling words. For clarification, I asked GWE to email Justin’s teacher.

The following day, the teacher responded that no points would be deducted if the word was spelled incorrectly.

I’m starting to understand why Justin is confused in class. The written instructions did not match the verbal instructions. And, I still didn’t know if this was considered a bonus word. I decided to leave it alone and not care. However, I did offer GWE $10 to send the following response:

Dear Teacher,

Thank you for your prompt response. We are sorry to inform you that Justin will not be participating in this week’s spelling test because he suffers from Hippopotomonstrosesquippediliophobia.

Best Wishes,

Those Parents

Garrett’s Five Finger Yo-Kai Discount

Posted on Feb 3, 2016 by Jason

This is Whisper

As a parent, there are times when you have to decide to either react immediately to something your child did or ‘wait and see.’ If your child were to run up to someone and hit them, then you’d react. But sometimes….there’s a grey area. There are times when something bad happens, but maybe it was an accident or perhaps good intentions accidentally led to a bad decision. This is one such story:

Justin has become a Yo-Kai Watch fanatic. It’s a toy watch that is part of a role-playing game. The watch is supposed to help the person wearing it identify other Yo-Kai who haunt people and cause mischief. (Imagine Pokemon with a watch.)

Since Justin has become enamored with Yo-Kai, so has his little brother. (Garrett’s really only interested in it because Justin is.) Garrett wants to watch Yo-Kai with Justin, play the Yo-Kai video game with Justin, and even watch Yo-Kai on TV with Justin.

On Saturday, I decided to take Justin and Garrett out to the mall. I made it clear that they were allowed to buy one small toy each. Garrett found a small Lego toy that he wanted in Target. After Target, Justin dragged all of us to GameStop to see if they had any Yo-Kai tokens for his watch. They did and I allowed him to buy three packages.

While Justin was shopping, I took a step back and allowed Garrett to browse the aisles of the store as well. He clearly knew I was there, but he probably didn’t think I was watching him closely. With the Target bag in one hand, I could see him casually pick up another toy, check it out, and then put it back on the shelf. However, when he found a stuffed animal version of Whisper from the Yo-Kai world, he held onto it longer than he had with the other toys. And then, I saw him put it in the Target bag and walk away. (By the way, Whisper looks like a giant sperm. Seriously. He’s translucent/white with a tail. He’s a sperm.)

Here’s the moment when I could have reacted, but I decided to wait. Was he shoplifting or was he having an absent-minded moment? I wasn’t sure.

After a few moments, he walked up to me and asked me to hold his Target bag so he could continue to look around. I agreed. As he walked away, I looked in the bag and saw Whisper staring back at me…and imagined him quietly mouthing the words “Help me!”

I removed him from the bag, put him back on the shelf, and didn’t say anything to Garrett. I honestly could not tell if he had done this purposely or if it was an accident. So, I decided to wait. I would not have to wait long.

About an hour later, we arrived home. I unlocked Garrett’s car door, unbuckled him, and handed him his Target bag. He took the handles of the bag, spread them apart to look into his bag, and only saw his Lego toy.

He looked up at me with an expression of stunned dismay and outrage. With a furrowed brow he screamed, “HEY!?!?!?! WHERE’S WHISPER??? HE WAS IN MY BAG!!” (It was like a movie moment when the thief realizes that he had been double-crossed.) He was so angry that he checked the bag a second time. Nope….Whisper still wasn’t there. I told him that I saw what he did and returned the toy to where it belonged. The look he gave me after rechecking his ‘stash’ said, “I’ll get you for this!”

Well, that answered that. My 4-year old was a thief and he got double-crossed by his own father!

There’s no Whisper here!

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