Brother from the Same Mother

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There are times when I see Justin and he wants nothing to do with Garrett. There are also times when I see him “share” his space with his brother. (I call it “Playing Together Adjacently.”)

However, I never expected to have insight into the mind of Justin with regards to how he felt about his brother like this. I’m impressed!

 

One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Glue Fish

Jasons Phone 031113 136Justin came home with a new homework assignment last week. He was asked to choose a fish that he liked the best, create a diorama about that fish, and then do a short report. Keep in mind, he’s in Kindergarten!!! At this rate, I’m afraid to see what will be asked of him when he gets to 3rd Grade! (Will I be stealing plutonium from Libyan terrorists to help Justin power his Flux Capacitor??? I don’t know. It’s possible!)

This turned out to be a really great experiment for us! And by “us,” I mean GWE and me. (Justin’s assignment?? Not anymore!) GWE and I learned that while we usually do work well together, this could have ended badly. I want you to imagine two Type A personalities passively/aggressively “needling” one another on why, where, and how to glue a dead starfish to a shoebox! Our separate expectations of what the final assignment should look like and our differing opinions of what constituted “procrastination” may have led to some hurt feelings. But, the assignment was completed on time and we’re still married.

First, we needed to collect the items that would make up the diorama. Here is what we used:

1) a shoebox

2) duct tape

3) dental floss (mint, if you must know)

4) a sparkly blue backdrop from Michael’s Art Supplies

5) a collection of sparkly fish from Michael’s Art Supplies

6) Some sparkly seaweed and coral structures from Michael’s Art Supplies

7) A styrofoam shark from the bathtub

8) Dead, dried star fish from Michael’s Art Supplies

9) Colorful aquarium pebbles from Pet Co.

10) Sand from a playground. (I want you to imagine me driving up to a public playground, jumping out of my car while it is still running, “scampering” to the sandbox with a ziplock bag all the while almost knocking over a few kids to get to the “good sand,” quickly collecting handfuls of sand into the bag, and then running back to my car. If I had seen someone else do that, I would have grabbed my kids and then called the cops!)

GWE, Justin, and I began the assignment a week early, but then (not my fault) set it aside until 6pm the night before it was due. On Sunday night, we all took turns gluing, sticking, and “flossing” each item into place. When it was done, it was clear to me whose “vision” won out.

Jasons Phone 031113 128

Let me just say that Justin’s diorama is excellent. However, it does look like his fish belong on the Vegas Strip. There is more glitter in there than “Showgirls” and if you listen closely you can hear, “Please welcome to the stage – SHARKY and The SHARKETTES!!”

Justin also wrote a wonderful report. It is as follows:

Sharks eat little tiny foods.

They have sharp teeth.

Sharks are my favorite sea animal because they are totally awesome

A shark is bigger than a school bus.

I am incredibly proud of him and I have learned an important lesson from this assignment – my wife can find a way to put sparkles on anything!

“Fails to Follow Directions”

HomeworkI was not the best student when I was a kid. It’s not because I wasn’t smart enough or didn’t understand the concepts being taught. My downfall was my failure to follow directions. Even as an adult, I find that my brain works against me. I can look at a “problem” and my brain immediately goes into “how do we solve this” mode and then I take action…without reading the directions. For example, I have built many, many toys for my children over the years. Not once have I read the directions. Curiously, there are always “extra pieces” when I’m done and the toy works correctly only 80% of the time. Failure to follow directions has been my kryptonite.

A few nights ago, Justin asked me to help him with his homework. I thought – “Hey – he’s in Kindergarten! I can do this with my eyes closed.” (Which I probably should have done since it would have gotten us better results.) The first task of the homework was to look at each picture and then fill in the missing vowel to complete the word. Easy! As you can see, in the world of Justin’s homework, they are still using whiskey jugs and desk lamps from the ‘80s.

The second part of the homework was where I failed my child, myself, and kindergarten. I did NOT read the directions. I saw that each vowel was assigned a color and assumed that Justin was supposed to color in each block accordingly. It wasn’t until he was done that I realized something didn’t look right. That’s when I saw the second instruction. There was a pencil making a circle followed by: “…each word in the puzzle.” DOH!!

Let’s be honest. Justin does not like doing his homework. But (as I discovered) Justin REALLY doesn’t like doing his homework twice because his daddy is an idiot! I explained that I made a mistake and that he needed to circle the words in a specific color that is assigned to each vowel. He stared into the depths of my soul with his “You must be f*#$ing kidding me” look. I felt bad. I really did. He begrudgingly finished his homework and then stormed off to watch television.

The following morning, I ran into his teacher in passing. She told me how much she loved Justin and how great a student he was. Guilt of failing my child (and maybe some remorse for hiding twelve years’ worth of homework under my parents’ sofa) washed over me and I confessed that I messed up his homework. She laughed and said that it wasn’t a problem.

Moving forward, there are only two choices: 1) Make sure to read the instructions, or 2) Hope my wife is understanding when I start hiding our son’s homework under our sofa!

It Just Takes One Moment…

photoAt 9:15am this morning, Justin and all of his school friends began to perform in their holiday show. He first appeared with his 4th grade mentors in a song about the holidays and friendship. He then appeared with his kindergarten class in a performance of a funny song and dance about dreidels. Justin happily sang, danced, and took his bows after a number of songs throughout the morning.

At the end of each “set,” the parents enthusiastically praised their kids. Hoots, hollers, and shouts of “That’s my kid!” came from the giddy parents. Even though it was freezing outside, the atmosphere was filled with warmth and love. Here we were – proud parents cheering on our kindergarten through 5 grade students!

I was expecting a call from CBS this morning because I needed to handle an issue with a client. Normally, I would have put my phone in my pocket and enjoyed the morning, but the call was time sensitive and even if I couldn’t take the call, I knew I could respond with an email. My phone was in my hand for the whole performance.

My phone buzzed once and I saw the first alert from CNN. There was a school shooting. No further information was available. I hoped for the best, turned my phone over, and returned to watch the kids gleefully singing and dancing.

A few moments later, another alert from CNN appeared on my phone – Breaking News: Official: 27 dead at Conn. school, including 18 children. I stared at my phone for a moment and re-read the announcement twice. I remember sitting between my father and my wife and having the blood drain out of my face. This was very, very bad. I thought about leaning over and showing the alert to GWE, but decided against it. She (and every other parent) would soon find out what I had learned and there was no reason to ruin the last few minutes of her enjoyment of the show.

I sat there quietly and smiled while my son performed. Once or twice I looked around in an effort to observe my surroundings. There were happy parents everywhere watching the show, waving with pride to their children, and video-taping this event…all the while basking in the holiday cheer. It was very odd to know something that no one around me knew and the irony of the moment was not lost on me. Here I was watching happy students performing for their adoring parents and across the country another group of Kindergarten through 4th grade parents where anxiously waiting to hear if their sons and daughters were still alive. At that moment, many of them were being told the worst thing any parent could ever hear.

This blog has never been about standing on a soapbox while telling the readers what to think or do. It has been about telling you true (and mostly funny) stories about our boys. And, while this tragedy will spark debate over gun control, mental health, and personal security…I would like to focus on one thing – the innocence of children.

We are all GenXDads, GenXMoms, GenXAunts, GenXUncles, GenXCousins, and even GenXGrandparents. We are all one degree away from a young and innocent child. When you get home, grab a child (preferably yours), give them a huge hug and kiss….and then do it again for those who can’t this evening.

 

‘Sup Shawty!

Right now, there are six CDs in my car changer: 1) Mumford & Sons – Babel, 2) Project X – Soundtrack, 3) Maroon 5 – Overexposed, 4) Zack Brown Band – Caged, 5) Bruno Mars – Doo-Wops & Hooligans, and 6) Little Big Town – Tornado. As you can see, I like musical variety. I want Justin and Garrett to be exposed to as much great music as possible, but GWE and I were in complete agreement that (for the time being) I would not play Hip Hop or Rap while they are in the car. While I like it, I don’t want to have to explain some of the lyrics to Justin. The only Hip Hop album in my car right now is the soundtrack to “Project X.” Needless to say, I skip over Disc 2 whenever it comes up.

A few days ago, I was taking both kids to school and I needed to stop by the bank. I pulled in, left the car (and stereo AND AIR) on, and told Justin to watch his brother while I walked three feet away to use the ATM machine. Normally, this transaction only takes 30 seconds…but that morning, the ATM had a hard time reading my card. As I waited for the machine to read my card, I looked back to the car and saw Justin bobbing his head up and down like a metronome. A voice in the back of my head said, “I don’t remember him doing that before.” I assumed he found a song that he really liked. Sadly, I was right.

After almost two minutes of dealing with the ATM, I walked back to the car and heard a loud “thump, thump, thump, thump.” When I opened the door, I realized that Disc 1 had ended and Disc 2 (a disc he had not heard before) had begun. Justin was rhythmically moving his head to Pusha T’s “Trouble on my Mind.” I thought we were ok, until I heard:

Pardon my french, I’m going hard as my dick
When I envision my tip on the crust of bitch’s lips
Mr. Lipschutz has been trippin’ since I mentioned Reptar’s
Triceratops dinosaur dick

Once I heard “Triceratops dinosaur dick,” I thought it was time to go back to Maroon 5. As soon as I hit disc change, Justin yelled at me – “NNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! DADDY, I LIKED THAT!!!! GO BACK!!!!” I told him that he was not ready for that music yet and that he was too young. He begged….he pleaded….and I am weak. I went back to Project X in hopes of finding something more appropriate.

“Ok, Justin. Let’s try song number 2.” I said. All of a sudden we heard AMG yell out “BITCH BETTA HAVE MY MONEY!” In an effort to make it stop, I hit the wrong button and fast forwarded the song to:

This dick of mine ain’t friendly baby.

Will it hurt you…yeah maybe.

Once again, I quickly pressed the change disc button. I couldn’t take it. “NNNNOOO!!!!!! DADDY, I LIKED THAT SONG TOOOOOOOOO!!!!” I let this go on for almost 4 minutes. (Once again, because I am weak.) Thankfully, I pulled up to his school and let Justin out before he could “pop a cap in my ass.”