Garrett’s Optician Has An ERA???

SeeingDuring a routine check-up, Garrett’s pediatrician suggested that we get his eyes more closely examined by an ophthalmologist. Garrett had no problem reading the eye chart with his right eye, but gave up when asked to do it again with his left eye. The doctor wasn’t sure if he was just being fussy or if he really had a problem. While this was cause for concern, GWE was thrilled to know that Garrett knew all of his letters and numbers!

A few weeks later, GWE took Garrett to the eye doctor and confirmed that he really was having an issue with his left eye. While he had no issue reading the chart with his right eye, his left eye could only read the top line. There were almost 10 lines of difference between each eye! The doctor concluded that due to Garrett’s age, this could be self-correcting over time as long as we got Garrett prescription glasses – and he wore them.

GWE took Garrett and his prescription to a place called “Michael C’s Optical.” He was fitted with a few different types of glasses. GWE sent me a text of what he looked like and asked if I approved. I told that not only did I approve, but I loved it! Now Garrett looked like “Doctor Who!”

Who-1Who 2 About a week later, all of us went back to “Michael C’s” to get Garrett’s glasses. We were greeted by Michael and he had Garrett’s glasses ready to go. Garrett tried them on and they looked great. Michael took the glasses back for a final adjustment and I spent a few minutes walking around his store.

Looking

Glasses-2

In the corner, there was some sports memorabilia (which I assumed was from athletes Michael had fitted with lenses.) However, the more I looked at the clippings and pictures from the early 80’s, the more I began to realize that it was all just one athlete – a professional baseball player named Mike Chris.

Now, I’m not the smartest guy in the room, so it took a few minutes for me to make the connection. Michael C was actually Mike Chris! My son was getting his first pair of glasses from a professional baseball player who played for both the Detroit Tigers and the San Francisco Giants!! And, he played at a time when I collected baseball cards…so, Mike’s cards have to be somewhere in my collection!

Mike ChrisGWE is a true baseball fan, especially when it comes to the Atlanta Braves. As we got back into the car, I excitedly asked GWE if she had seen the “Wall of Fame.” She replied, “No. Why?” And so I told her. She was in shock! I looked up Mike’s stats and read them to GWE as we drove to lunch.

So – Garrett’s first pair of glasses were put on his head by a left-handed pitcher who struck out 46 people in the Major Leagues! Not bad!

We have a Two-Headed Duck…and You Don’t

Duck 1

Duck, Duck, DEUCE!

In my quest to locate turn-of-the-century, Railroad Grade pocket watches (my expensive hobby), I’ve begun dragging my family to flea markets. The first time we attended a flea market, we were nearly killed by gusting winds blowing items off tables and collapsing canopies. The kids were bored, hungry, and afraid of being squashed by furniture older than their great-grandparents. GWE was a trooper…but that lasted for about 20 minutes, plus the time it took to eat a couple falafels. I decided not to push my luck and I figured I would come back the next time by myself.

Yesterday, I asked Justin if he’d like to come out for breakfast with me and attend the monthly flea market by our house. To my surprise, he said yes!

We left the house at 8:30, stopped at IHop for breakfast, and then rushed over to the flea market. When we arrived, Justin asked, “Why are we here?” I informed him that we were going to the flea market that I told him about yesterday. He rolled his eyes into the back of his head and cried, “NNNNOOOOOOOOOO.” Apparently, he wasn’t listening yesterday and he thought we were going someplace else. I’m not sure where. I didn’t bother to ask…because we weren’t going wherever it was. I finally coaxed Justin out of the car by saying, “You never know what we might buy.” (In all fairness, his response was pretty good. Justin said, “Why bother going, daddy? You’re not going to buy anything.” Usually, I don’t.)

With a sour look on his face and an extra-slow step, he held my hand and walked into the flea market with me. There was every sort of oddity, knick-knack, fake jewelry, and “unidentifiable thing collecting dust” that you could imagine. And then, Justin found the man selling bugs in amber.

Justin was totally grossed out and amused by the giant spider paperweights, scorpion pendants, and mummified bats. He even picked out a shark’s tooth keychain for his backpack. And then, we saw “It!”

Are you my mommy?

Perched on a wooden stand and covered in glass were two-headed ducks, two-headed mice (wearing bowties,) and a two-headed chicken. Justin and I marveled at the sight of the two-headed duck. It was the cutest, yet most horrifying thing I had ever seen. It looked like it came from “The Island of Doctor Moreau.” I kept joking with Justin about all the things we could do with it. Finally, I suggested we get it. Justin was deliriously excited at the prospect of getting this very strange two-headed duck.

I said, “Look, I think we need mommy’s input on this.” Justin immediately looked deflated…and the guy selling the two-headed duck didn’t seem that pleased either. Both of them were certain that this would be the sale-killer. Here is the text:

Text

I ignored the text and turned to Justin. “I really think we need a two-headed duck. Don’t you?” “YES!!!!” he replied.

I paid for the duck while it was properly wrapped in bubble wrap and sealed in a box. The man selling the oddities handed Justin the box and off we went. Proudly, Justin carried his two-headed duck to the car with the care of carrying a Faberge Egg.

We’ve been thinking about name(s) for our two-headed duck. (Because he has two heads, we thought he deserved two names!) We’ve narrowed it down to “Tim and Jim,” “Bob and Bob,” “Batman and Robin,” “Huey and Dewey McDuck,” or ““Franken-Duckie!”

What do you think we should name him/them?

 

America’s Funniest Home Videos – The Birthday Gift

Ever since Justin began watching television, one of his favorite shows has been “America’s Funniest Home Videos” on ABC. Justin laughs hysterically at each show and likes to narrate each episode for us at home (like Tom Bergeron.) He even talks about trying to create a video that he can send into the show. All of this is great, but to Justin – it is still just “TV” and not real life. He knows the difference.

Several months ago, GWE took Justin to a Television Academy event for “AFV” and Tom Bergeron was one of the panelists talking about the show. Bravely, Justin approached the microphone when it was time to ask questions and he actually began a dialog with Tom. He not only spoke with Tom (and his wife) at the event, but they spoke again in the lobby, then they took a picture together, and then talked again all the way to the parking garage. Meeting Tom made Justin a “Super-Fan.”

Tom

For Justin’s eighth birthday, we were stumped as to what to get him. What do you get the kid who has everything? I thought about it a lot and finally came to the conclusion that I didn’t want to get him just another toy, but rather – an experience. While driving into work one morning and speaking with a friend who was an attorney for Vin Di Bona Productions, it dawned on me what that experience should be. I wanted Justin to attend a taping of his favorite show – “AFV!”

Up to this point, I have been reluctant to take Justin with me to a television taping. Working in Hollywood has given me a tremendous amount of access to great television and film sets. There have been plenty of opportunities to take him to tapings of shows that I know he watches. But, I’ve chosen not to because I don’t want to “pull back the curtain” yet. (It’s one thing to enjoy a steak; it’s another to see how it’s made!) However, in this case, I didn’t think this set visit would be too revealing. After a few quick calls and emails (and the excited approval of GWE,) I had our VIP confirmation.

We chose to tell Justin about the taping on his birthday because it was weeks before he would be there and it would give him enough time to digest the information, tell his friends, and it wouldn’t be such a shock when we got there. When we told him, he looked at us very quizzically. We told him again. And again, it looked like his brain got the information, but didn’t know what to do with it. Finally, it hit him and he was beyond excited! The countdown to tape night had begun!!

On the day of the taping, Justin was prepared. We picked him up from school, changed him into appropriate “on air” clothing, and drove down to the set in Manhattan Beach. We arrived a few hours early and had a nice dinner. When the time came, we jumped back into the car and drove over to the studio. Justin had never been on a studio lot before, so we took our time getting to the stage. We pointed out everything that we thought would be of interest to him, but he was very focused on getting to the show.

Door

Finally, we approached the stage door. GWE took one final picture of him (a picture I like to call, “The End of The Innocence”) and then together we walked through the door. Justin was amazed. There, he saw the stage, the audience, video village, the cameras, the lights, and people running around getting ready for the show. He could tell that there was an excitement in the air. We stood still for a moment just to let Justin soak it all in. However, Justin kept moving forward towards the stage whether he realized it or not. It was like a tractor beam had him!

We were quickly escorted to our seats. As we got situated, we asked where the voting machines were. To our surprise, we were informed that there would be no voting in this episode….because it was the $100,000 finale! GWE and I were in a little bit of shock!

As the warm-up guy began entertaining the crowd, music started playing on the overhead speakers. Once “Uptown Funk” by Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars began, GWE yelled, “Yeah!!” The warm-up guy heard her, dragged her down to the stage, and together they began dancing. (Another item checked off “The Bucket List.”) In exchange for her dancing skills, GWE earned Justin an official “AFV” shirt.

And then Tom Bergeron appeared…

As real as this was to Justin up to this point, it didn’t become REAL until he saw Tom.

Once a few technical details were worked out quickly, the show began….and it really was a fantastic show! What you see on TV is pretty much what you see at the taping. It wasn’t until the show began that GWE and I quickly realized that there were some “TV Rules” we hadn’t explained to Justin. The fast rules I whispered into Justin’s ear were:

  1. Don’t laugh louder or longer than anyone else in the room.
  2. Don’t try to get Tom’s attention.
  3. Don’t fidget.
  4. And finally, (the hardest rule) don’t look directly into the camera.

#4 was the hardest rule for Justin to follow, but for good reason! It’s not that Justin wanted to look into the camera, but the teleprompter was in front of the lens! Justin wanted to see what Tom was going to say…and Justin kept mouthing the words that he was reading at the same time Tom was saying them. If you look at it on camera, I’m sure it looks like a very strange ventriloquist act! Justin’s lips are moving, but the words are coming out of Tom Bergeron’s mouth!

When the winners were announced, glitter was shot out of cannons all around the stage. We grabbed some and jammed it on our pockets as a reminder of the evening. And with that…the show was over. On the way back to the car, Justin was almost giddy from the experience. We climbed back into the car to head home and I asked Justin what his favorite part of the show was. I was met with silence. I thought he was thinking about it. Turned out, he had passed out from all of the excitement.

From beginning to end, the experience was amazing. It was something that Justin will never forget. The excitement of the evening lasted until one small thought crossed my mind: “How the hell are we going to beat this on his 9th birthday!?!?!?!”

afv 2

 

What’s A Tape Deck?

While in the car, Justin took notice of something on the dash and asked me about it. “Daddy, what’s that for?” he asked while pointing to the gear shift.

 

“It’s a gear shift.” I responded. “No. Behind it.” he clarified.

 

“Oh, that’s the tape deck.” I answered.

 

There was a moment of silence and then he asked, “What’s a tape deck?” (Clearly, I have failed as a GenXDaddy if my son doesn’t know what a tape deck is!)

 

“Well, Justin. Music used to come on cassette tapes and you could play them in the car. You could also record on them. Mommy and I used to make mix tapes for each other when we were younger.” I thought that would answer his question. I was wrong. It just led to more questions:

 

Him: “What’s a mix tape?”

Me: “It’s like a playlist.”

Him: “With a lot of music?”

Me: “Not really. Maybe 8 or 10 songs. A few songs on one side and a few on the other side.”

Him: “It had sides?”

Me: “Yes, an A side and a B side.”

Him: “And you played it in the car?”

Me: “Yes, you put the cassette in here,” I said while I pointing to the slot for tapes, “and then in plays whatever is on the tapes.”

 

(Pause)

 

Him: “Can you put a tape in now? I want to hear it.”

 

And here is where I ran into a problem, I don’t think I have my old tapes. I think I transferred everything to my iPod. So, I had nothing to show him.

 

Me: “Sorry buddy. I don’t have any tapes to show you how this works.” (Honestly, it doesn’t work anymore. It stopped working a long time ago.)

 

At that point in the conversation, I jumped out of the car and ran into a store to pick something up. When I came back, this is what I found:

ipodTape

Before… 

ipodTape_2

…After! (Yea, that’s my iPod!)

Me: “Justin! What did you do?”

Him: “I wanted to hear it play music!”

Oy!

Daddy Sings Christmas Music

Car pic

My kids are confused. They want to know why we’re Jewish, but daddy is still allowed to (happily) sing Christmas music during the holiday season. My response is simple, “Stop talking! Daddy’s about to hit the high notes!”

As the weather changes and it get colder outside, I get into the holiday spirit and begin to play lots of Christmas music in the car. I’ve got my Sirius Holiday Channel pre-set and my Christmas playlist prepared on my iPod. This year, I added two new Christmas albums to the playlist – Michael Buble’s “Christmas” and Idina Menzel’s “Holiday Wishes” (Hey Idina – “What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?” is not a power ballad! Rein it in a little!) and I’ve been forcing the kids to listen to this music for the past week as I take them to school. Justin tolerates the music, but Garrett (who attends a Jewish pre-school) seems confused as to why the music I sing sounds very different from what he hears at school.

This morning, it came to my attention that Garrett wasn’t bothered by the Christmas music after all. He simply hated the sound of my voice. He (along with Justin) found an effective tactic so that they wouldn’t have to listen to my voice. Together (that’s an accomplishment in itself,) they began to laugh at me….loudly!! Here is a sample:

So, to my fantastic, talented, wonderful boys, there is something you should know about Daddy: I may not be able to sing as well as Mommy, but I did sing my way through Europe after I graduated High School! In doing so, I accomplished three things on my “Bucket List”:

  1. More than once, I (along with some friends) sang for my meal in the Paris Metro. We actually made enough money to afford ourselves a nice dinner – with wine!
  2. I once sang my way out of a fist fight in a Beer Garden. (Drunk people are happy to fight other drunk people. But, drunk people avoid picking fights with “crazy” drunk people!) Singing like a lunatic saved my ass!
  3. While drinking in a German Hofbrӓuhaus, I sang a drinking song so dirty and perverted that the loud, drunk, and belligerent Germans we were with became silent. And then, they asked me to sing it again. (Someday, I will teach you the song that made many a drunk German shut up!)

You might be asking yourselves, what is the point of these stories? It’s simple: “Let Daddy sing his Christmas songs in the car. At least he’s not singing and drinking!”

Pho-Gettaboudit!

Pho2GWE and I were in the car yesterday with the kids on the way to a birthday party when we drove by a Vietnamese restaurant that I had never seen before. Pho (pronounced “Fuh”) is one of my favorite dishes and I’m always open to trying a new place because there aren’t that many Vietnamese restaurants where we live.

I especially like that the owners of these restaurants typically have a good sense of humor about their names. I’ve seen “Pho-King Delicious,” “9021Pho,” “Absolutely Phobulous,” and “Pho Shizzle” just to name a few.

As we drove by the new place, I pointed out that the name was funny. GWE asked, “How so?”

“The restaurant was called Pho CT,” I replied.

Pho

“I don’t get it,” she said.

“What do you get when you put together “Pho” and “CT”?” I asked.

From behind me, I heard Justin ask, “FUCKED???”

The fact that GWE didn’t drive off the road due to uncontrollable laughter is amazing. We both found it enormously difficult to maintain our composure while explaining to Justin why he shouldn’t say that word.

Finally, when the hysterics subsided and the kids where focused on other things, GWE turned to me and said, “This is your fault.”

I turned back to her and replied, “I don’t know what’s funnier: That he said it or that he figured it out faster than you!”