What a Family Guy Says vs. What a Single Guy Hears

I often try my best not to take business calls in the morning before I drop the kids off at school. The kids are too loud….I can only concentrate on one thing at a time….and, I like having those final moments of “family” before all hell breaks loose professionally. However, there are times when someone I’ve been trying to reach finally returns my call and it happens to be before 9am. Regardless as to what is going on around me, I need to take that call.

A week and a half ago, a Business Affairs Executive called me to make an offer for one of my clients to test on a television pilot. We traded calls back and forth a few times and then we finally connected at 8:45 in the morning, when I was still in the car with the kids. I’ve dealt with him on a number of occasions. He is single, very dry, straight-forward, lacking in humor, and a tough opponent. I knew this call was going to be difficult and I was prepared.

After 10 minutes of a “heated” discussion, I informed him that I was sitting in a parking lot and needed to drop the kids off at school. I told him that it would only take a few minutes and then I would call him back. He stammered a little and then said ok.

When I returned his call, the first words out of his mouth were, “How’d it go in there?” I paused and said, “Fine. Thanks for asking.” He responded, “I’ve never had someone pause a negotiation to take a shit before. That’s a first.” I had no idea what he was talking about. I asked, “Take a shit? What are you talking about?” He said, “You just told me that you needed to ‘drop the kids off at the pool.’”

I erupted in laughter. I explained, “No, no, no!! I had to drop my children off AT SCHOOL! You know – a building with teachers and books!!!” Once he realized his mistake, he laughed….and then he proceeded to crush my hopes and dreams of getting my client a raise from his quote.

You win some, you poop some.

There is a Poop in my Refrigerator

I am often asked (not really) “Hey GenXDaddy! You make being a dad sound glamorous! Are there any downsides to being a father?”

There are many wonderful aspects to being a dad. HOWEVER, before you start punching holes in your condoms while watching MTV’s “16 and Pregnant” like it’s a National Geographic documentary – you should know that it’s not all Hot Wheels and Play-Doh. There are a few unsavory things that you must suffer through. For example…..

At this moment, there is a poop in my refrigerator. This is not a euphemism. There is a real baby poop in my fridge!!

While on my way to an important lunch meeting with a client, GWE notified me that Garrett had thrown up three times at school and needed to be cared for at home. Our plan was for GWE to pick up Garrett while I was at my lunch and then I would race home after my meeting to help her take care of our sick baby. When I got home, I was asked to dig the poop out of my son’s diaper so that the school could have it shipped off to be tested. Armed with two sterile vials, a bag labeled “Biohazard”, and a mouse-sized spork, I dug through the shit in Garrett’s diaper like it was sand at the beach. Once a satisfactory sample was retrieved, it was placed in our refrigerator to retain its “freshness.”

I may not be “Father of the Year”, but I don’t shy away from the dirty work either!!

The Negotiator

While on vacation a few weeks ago, Justin tried to negotiate how many bites of green bean casserole he would have to eat before he could have potato chips.

For those of you who actually know me, you know that I am a highly trained, well-seasoned representative and negotiator for actors and actresses in Hollywood. I have negotiated deals that would have made lesser men wet themselves, leave the business, and move back across the country to live with their parents. I think I can handle a 4 year old.

Lesson one – make sure you know how to count before you enter into a negotiation with me!

Here was the negotiation – Me: 3, Him: 2, Me: 3, Him: 1, Me: 4, Him: 3, Me: ok, 3. Him: no way daddy (pause) 4? Me: ok, you win. 4!