The Labor Day Accident

The last thing I heard before “the accident” was GWE asking me if I wanted a glass of wine with dinner. I never got to answer her. Before I could say “Sure!,” Garrett managed to trip over his scooter, fall forward, and bang his head into the corner of the patio door. GWE caught him as he went down. As she turned him over, I saw the gash in his forehead.

Personal experience told me this was serious. (I have the same cut on my forehead from going head first into a brick mailbox when I was a kid.)

I looked at GWE and calmly said, “We need to go – now. I think he’s going to need stitches.” From that moment forward, the chaos of the evening fell away and we were a well-oiled machine with one purpose – get Garrett to the doctor! I took the food off the grill, turned off the propane, turned off the oven, grabbed my keys and wallet, scooped up Garrett, and raced to the car. GWE looked up the closest medical facility. Justin (who was beating the crap out of his brother less than an hour earlier) saw the severity of the situation and instantly became my “wingman.” For the first time ever, Justin took every instruction I gave him without question. He got Garrett a Band-Aid, his shoes, a toy, and got into the car. As all of this was happening, Garrett was perfectly fine. I wiped away his tears and I asked him if he wanted to go for a ride in the car. He happily said, “Yup.” His only request was that I put on “SpongeBob SquarePants.”

GWE likes to joke that I have a magical ability to find the slowest lane possible. There have only been two occasions when I’ve purposely “Nascar’d” it. Once, when taking GWE to the hospital to give birth Justin…and last Monday. (We are now calling it, “The Labor Day Accident of 2014.”)

We arrived at the doctor’s office 8 minutes later. They numbed him, glued him back together, bandaged him up, and then handed him some stickers. Additionally, he was insistent that they use the stethoscope to check his heart. (He has a toy one at home.) All in all, he had a fantastic time and made some new friends! GWE and I aged a decade in less than an hour.

2

3

During the car ride home and all throughout dinner, Garrett retold us about his harrowing adventure of bumping his head and visiting the doctor (as if we hadn’t been there with him.) Even though most of it was babble, I could tell that Garrett’s “tall tales” of bodily harm were getting worse and worse with every retelling of the story. I was waiting for him to tell us how he used his sharp toenail and a piece of string from his shirt to stitch his own head back together – without Novocain!

Once the kids were asleep and everything calmed down, I finally had that glass of wine GWE offered me hours earlier…and then I followed it up with a glass of scotch!

What is your kid doing in the bathroom?

HandleI do not know what my son is doing in the bathroom. For some reason, he has recently “discovered” the privacy of the bathroom and has spent upwards of AN HOUR in there. I’ve stood at the door many times and asked him if he was ok. He’s said, “I’m fine.” I’ve asked him if he needed anything: toilet paper, magazine, etc. He has replied, “No.” And, that is the end of the discussion. I am insanely curious….what is he doing in there?

 

He is only seven!! I cannot imagine that he is spending an hour in the bathroom for the same reason I spent an hour in the bathroom when I was 13. He is still into Legos, Mario Bros., and Captain Underpants books. Girls have no effect on him…yet. (But when it happens, I suspect we’ll never see him again. And, I’ll encourage GWE to do Justin’s laundry more often.)

 

One evening, he refused to come out. I decide to “document” the hour. After 15 minutes: “Are you ok?” (He says he’s fine.)

 Door 1

After 30 minutes: “Are you coming out soon?” (“No,” he replies)

 Door

After 45 minutes: “Justin – get off the potty. Your legs are going to go numb!” (Silence)

IMG_5093After 59 minutes: The only reason he came out was because we convinced him that if he didn’t come out that moment, he would miss dinner completely. Door 2

After he was finished and finally exited the bathroom, I stood next to the toilet looking for clues as to what Justin was doing. There were no reading materials and no toys he would be interested in (because they’re Garrett’s). Was he sleeping on the potty? Was he time traveling? Was he using his x-ray vision to watch TV through the wall while sitting on his favorite seat? Stumped, I walked out.

 

So – to my fellow GenX Parents….what are your kids doing in the bathroom for an hour???? Because I have no idea what’s happening over here.

We’re Gonna Potty (Train) like it’s 2010!

underwearI have been changing diapers every single day since 2006. I have officially had enough! The time has come to induct our youngest son into the Pantheon of Potty Pishers! We are now 6 days away from the potty training known as “Poo-mageddon 2014!”

Much like his older brother did 4 years ago, Garrett will spend this upcoming weekend locked in our house with an agenda and a daddy on a mission. Once again, GWE will be out of town…thereby allowing The Priluck Men to conduct “Man Business.”

Justin, Garrett, and I will be armed with nothing more than a package of clean underwear, special toys that I have chosen as Garrett’s rewards, and an alarm that will go off every hour on the hour alerting us to “Return to the Potty.” For 48 hours, I expect this house to stink. But, in the end, it will stink with the foul odor…of victory!!!!

Justin and I were successful with this routine several years ago. You can read about it here.

Wish us luck!!

The Tooth Fairy Trap

Tooth

“PROCLAIM LIBERTY [OF BABY TEETH] THROUGHOUT ALL THE LAND UNTO ALL THE INHABITANTS THEREOF LEV. XXV. V X.”

After waiting and waiting and waiting…and waiting a little more, Justin’s loose tooth finally came out while he was at camp yesterday. He proudly showed off the tooth (with the remnants of dried blood still sticking to the base) when he got home. We marveled at his accomplishment and encouraged him to put it in his special “Tooth Book” so that The Tooth Fairy could collect it. Justin disappeared into his room and when I went back to check on him, he had accidentally fallen asleep.

Around 11:00pm, I realized that I hadn’t performed my “Tooth Fairy” duties yet. I grabbed a piece of paper from the home office, wrote him a sweet note thanking him for his tooth, and signed it “The Tooth Fairy.”

What should have been a simple “take the tooth and leave the money,” turned into an adventure worthy of the opening scene from “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” First of all, Justin’s room was pitch black. Of all nights, this was the night he decided to unplug his night light. Second, I had to remember where I had seen the “Tooth Book” last. I thought it was on his desk, but I wasn’t sure if he slid it under his pillow before passing out. I went with the assumption that he put the tooth under his pillow…which was under his head. With one hand I gently lifted up the Mickey Mouse Pillow Pet while I using the other hand  to search the area. I found nothing.

Carefully, I turned my attention to his messy desk – which was supposed to be a nice surface for Justin to do his homework on. In reality, it has become a graveyard for every Lego piece, Captain Underpants book, magic trick, fake aquarium, empty pencil, old (hardened) Play Doh, and Minecraft toy Justin owns. Much like Helen Keller, I was only able to rely on my sense of touch to find the Tooth Book. I must have touched every single item on his desk before finding that book. However, I didn’t just find the book. I found “The Tooth Fairy Trap” Justin had set for The Tooth Fairy!

The Tooth Book has a little “hatch” in the middle where the tooth is stored. In order to get the tooth, you must pop open the hatch! Justin tried to outwit The Tooth Fairy by putting his mini-Liberty Bell on top of the hatch. Smartly, Justin assumed that when The Tooth Fairy lifted the hatch, the bell would ring – and he would be woken up!! His plan almost worked, too!! I felt the bell, but didn’t know what it was. It wasn’t until a millisecond BEFORE I knocked it over that I realized what it was and how loud it could have been! I carefully moved it to the side, collected the tooth, and left the money and a note.

The next time Justin loses a tooth, I’ll retrieve it from his room while wearing a Dental Lab Coat, a fedora on my head, and a bullwhip by my side. I will no longer be known as “The Tooth Fairy.” You can call me “GenXDaddy Decay…Jones!!”

Go Directly To Jail

Jail

“You either get busy livin’ or get busy bucklin’!”

While in the car (most of my stories tend to start in the car), Justin was having a phone conversation with my father. As he was talking to “Papa Jeff,” he was also continuing to play with his Legos. I must have stopped short at some point because he dropped Lego Iron Man and he was not in a position to get him unless he undid his seatbelt.

The following conversation took place….with my father listening in from Atlanta:

Justin: “Daddy, I dropped Lego Iron Man.”

Me: “It’s ok. I’ll get him when we stop.”

Justin: “No daddy. Can I unbuckle my seatbelt? I can get him.”

Me: “No Justin. I’ll get it.”

Justin: “Pleaseeeeeeeee……Let me unbuckle my seatbelt to get him!”

Me: “Justin, don’t unbuckle your seatbelt. I don’t want to go to jail.”

(At this point, I’m about to be guilty of a parenting fail…but I go on…)

Justin: “Why would you go to jail?”

Me: “Everyone is supposed to wear their seatbelt. If the policeman pulls me over and he sees that you’re not wearing your seatbelt, he’s going to take me to jail.”

Justin: (begins to giggle.)

Me: “Justin….I don’t want to go to jail because I’m afraid of jail.”

(This is where it goes horribly wrong.)

Me: “And I’m afraid that if I went to jail, some guy named Bubba is going to make me his girlfriend.”

Justin: (Erupts in laughter…hearty, gut-busting laughter.)

Me: “I don’t want to be Bubba’s girlfriend….so keep your seatbelt on!”

Justin: (Still laughing) “He’s gonna make you a girl!?!?!?!”

Me: “I dunno, buddy. I imagine that Bubba is pretty big. He might make me a girl!”

Justin: (Continued to laugh so hard that he couldn’t catch his breath.)

The next day, I was asked to assist one of Justin’s teachers with administering an AR Test to a few students. Justin was clearly excited to have me in his classroom because he was almost bouncing off the walls. He was thrilled to show me his projects that were proudly displayed on the walls and hanging from the ceiling.

Finally, he grabbed my hand and guided me up to his teacher’s desk. He excitedly began to tell Mrs. Rubin all about seatbelts and that if he didn’t wear his seatbelt, his daddy was going to become someone’s….(yes, I caught it in time.) I quickly put my hand over his mouth and doubled over laughing. I explained to his teacher that we were having a goofy conversation in the car the previous day.

As I steered Justin back to his chair, I think he got the idea that the conversation wasn’t appropriate because he couldn’t help laughing either. The two of us were giggling like idiots and I was fully expecting to get sent to the Principal’s office (again.)

My Potty Valet

"Pardon me, sir. Would you like a 'Mercy Flush?'"

“Pardon me, sir. Would you like a ‘Mercy Flush?'”

I’ll be the first to admit that when I walk into a bathroom and discover a Restroom Attendant, I get uncomfortable. Immediately, there are a new list of “considerations” that run through my head. I think about things like, “Should I wait for him to tell me which stall is open?,” “Will he judge my performance?,” “Do I really want to use any of his colognes, mouthwashes, or breath mints?,” and (the most important question) “How much do I tip?” and/or “I left my wallet at the table. Do I need to run back to the table to get my wallet and go back to the bathroom to tip the attendant?”

Any phobias I might have had about “bathroom etiquette” have been eradicated thanks to Garrett – My Potty Valet!

Garrett has been fascinated with how the toilet works. For a long time, we simply kept the bathroom door shut to prevent him from getting into any trouble. However, once he gained access, he immediate located the lever and began to flush….over and over and over again.

Now, Garrett has “Bathroom Radar” and is able to detect when I’m about to go. He quickly runs to the bathroom, waits for me to open the door, and then he casually stands by the bathtub until my business is complete. Finally, he rushes over to the level and flushes for me (with glee.)

So, a few new questions come to mind: “Has he found his professional bliss as a bathroom attendant?” and “How do I tip a 22 month old bathroom attendant?”