It’s 4 O’clock Somewhere

410Have you ever wondered what goes on in your house at 4:10am? Neither did I. However, I found myself wide awake and quietly sitting on the sofa in my den while dealing with a bout of insomnia several nights ago. Everyone else was asleep (I assumed) and I was hoping that after a few minutes, I would be tired enough to return to bed. Little did I know, my house is a cornucopia of activity and entertainment at 4:00am. Here is what I heard/witnessed:

4:10 – I’m sitting quietly on the sofa watching The Golf Channel (no volume.)

4:15 – The neighbor’s cat jumps onto my roof and nearly scares the piss out of me. I thought we were about to be robbed.

4:20 – My 6 year old’s bedroom door opens. I crane my head over to the hallway just in time to witness Justin exit his room. His eyes are shut, he is no longer wearing his Mario pajamas (or underwear), and he “shuffles” over to the bathroom. I hear him go pee pee (no flush) and then I see him return to his room with his eyes still shut. The door closes. He never saw me.

4:23 – Justin’s door shutting must have woken up the 1 ½ year old. I can now hear Garrett yelling “DA-DA!! DA-DA!! DA-DA!!” His bedroom door is slightly cracked and I can’t tell if he sees me or not. Regardless, he excitedly keeps yelling “DA-DA!! DA-DA!! DA-DA!!” I decided to stay perfectly still. He’s like a bear in the wilderness. If he senses your movement, he will attack.

4:30 – The neighbor’s cat is now lying across the skylight in the den and looking down at me – judging. Garrett is still yelling “DA-DA!! DA-DA!!” and he’s added percussion by banging on the wall.

4:35 – I hear “BLOOP” from the kitchen. That’s just our fish – “Fred the Undead” trying to escape the aquarium again. After 8 ½ years in that aquarium, I understand his need for a “Shawshank Redemption.”

4:40 – I hear a “THUD” from Justin’s room. I can only assume that he shifted in his sleep and banged his head against the wall…again.

4:41 – The “THUD” has reignited Garrett’s “DA-DA  Drum Circle.” I swear there is only one kid in that crib, but he makes it sound like his stuffed animals (Mickey, Chica, and Elmo) have joined his band.

4:45 – I realize that I have about an hour and a half before I have to be up again. I attempt (for the second time) to go to bed.

As I found myself in bed staring at the ceiling, I began to wonder….what else happens in the middle of the night when I’m asleep???

You Can’t See Me, But I See You!

This is how a friendly game of "Peek-A-Boo" turns kids into "Peeping Toms!"

This is how a friendly game of “Peek-A-Boo” turns kids into “Peeping Toms!”

Garrett and I decided to play a friendly game of “Where’s the Baby?” on Sunday morning. The first time we played, he hid in his room. The second time we played, he hid in the middle of the hallway while happily screaming, “DA-DA, DA-DA.” (I don’t think he got the concept of “hide” that time.) The third time we played, he sent me into a panic that no parent should ever have to endure. I genuinely could not find him.

At first, I simply did not see him. When I noticed that I didn’t hear him either, it began to worry me. At the two minute mark, I had a full blown panic attack and tore the house apart looking for him. It wasn’t until I began opening the cabinets in the kitchen that I heard heavy breathing and then finally a “DA-DA!!” I looked up and this is where I found him.

I think this one game of “Where’s the Baby?” shaved 15 years off my life!

Where’s the F#$%*^G BINKY?!?!?!?!?!

We were warned early on – child number one will want all of his toys, but won’t be so territorial about them. However, child number two will only want one or two toys…but, god help you if you touch those toys.

Binky1

Pictured above is The Binky. To be safe, we actually have two of these. There is one in the crib and another in the diaper bag. It is a little “sucky” with an animal attached to the other side.

This toy has prevented nuclear meltdowns, tantrums of epic proportions, and quite possibly prevented Garrett from climbing out of his crib in the middle of the night to kill me in my sleep. I imagine him waking up at 3am and deciding that he doesn’t like how I’ve been blowing raspberries into his belly. He is probably thinking, “I’ve had it with his asshole and his crappy diapering skills. I’m going to smother him with his pillow tonight.” And then “suck…suck…suck,” he’s asleep again.

For about a week, Binky #1 disappeared and we had to use Binky #2 in its place. GWE and I began to panic. We were unclear as to what would happen if Binky #2 also disappeared. We were concerned and talking about what Plan C would be.

Somehow, Binky #1 reappeared in the middle of the crib one afternoon. Our nanny assumed that I found it. I assumed that GWE found it. GWE assumed that the nanny found it. None of us know where it was or how it came back.

I’m starting to wonder if Garrett was running a “Binky Drill” to see how we would react to the loss of his favorite toy. I don’t know if we passed or failed. All I know is that the Binky is back and it’s been LoJacked to prevent future disappearances!

Some People Claim that There’s A Woman to Blame….

marg1For some reason, Garrett was inconsolable last night right before going to bed. I tried to do everything I could think of to make him happy and comfortable, but nothing worked.

At first, I read him his two favorite books: “Good Night Moon” and “Where’s The Baby’s Belly Button?” (As a side note – you would NOT believe where the baby’s belly button was!) He was fine until the books ended. Then, he would begin to cry again.

After I read him his books, I began to sing his favorite songs: “You Are My Sunshine,” “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad,” Itzy Bitzy Spider,” and “Row, Row Row Your Boat.” Each time I finished a song, I would begin to lift him off of my chest to move him into the crib. However, each time I picked him up, he would start to cry again.

Now, I had a new problem – I had run out of songs. I don’t know what happened, but I could not think of a single song. My mind went blank. So, I did what any white, mid 30’s, exhausted dad would do – I began to sing Jimmy Buffett’s “Margaritaville.” Nothing soothes a toddler like songs about drinking, getting tattoos, and blaming women for your problems. As I sang, he calmed down. At the end of the song, he began to cry once more…so I continued by singing “The Lost Verse” to “Margaritaville.”

As the song ended a second time, Garrett began to get upset again. I did what any rational father would do, I kept singing and made up new words to the song!

Garrett didn’t enjoy them. I hope you do.

(Sung to the tune of “Margaritaville”)

Sucking on binkies,
Your butt is so stinky.
I think there’s a poo in your diaper right now.
Mommy thinks you’re a cutie.
She don’t know about the doodie.
You’ve exceeded the limit Pampers says to allow!

Wastin’ away again in Margaritaville
Wiping off your green booger assault.
Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame,
But I know…
it’s all Mommy‘s fault.

I…AM NOT…A CHEW TOY!!

NOM NOM NOM NOM

Garrett is an affectionate toddler. He loves to hug and play and be held. However, he has yet to master the art of “kissing.” His attempts at kissing (as a sign of affection) typically end in bite marks. He is like a Zombie Baby from “The Walking Dead.”

Here is his move: If you are holding him, he will first put his head on your shoulder. He’ll actually do that a couple of times without incident. Then, when you are least expecting it, he will put his head on your shoulder one last time…and then sink his teeth in as hard as he can!! His other “plan of attack” is to play with your fingers and he’ll wait for you to look away. The moment you look away, he’ll yank your hand into his mouth and chomp down.

I took him and his brother out to dinner the other night. After feeding Garrett a FULL dinner which included fruit, chicken, veggies, pasta, “crunchies,” milk, more fruit, and most of what was on my plate, Garrett should have been full (and if not “full,” at least he should have been tired of chewing!) Sure enough, we were playing “Finger Attack” for a few moments while Justin finished his meal. As I turned my head to talk to Justin, Garrett took advantage and LITERALLY bit the hand that just fed him!!!

As a word of warning, if you see Garrett and he is happy to see you AND his mouth is open – RUN!!

How many bite marks can you find?