Where’s my muffin?!?!?!?

When I was dating my wife, we would go out to dinner and she would end up picking food off of my plate because “I ordered better.” This never bothered me because it was just small bites here and there and I thought it was cute.

However, my son is a completely different story. Not only does he eat all of my food, he jams it into his mouth very, very quickly in an attempt to keep it away from me.

This morning I made a pit-stop at a Starbacks drive-thru for coffee and a muffin. I asked Justin to hold the bag while I gave the cashier money. While waiting for my change, I heard him rustling behind me and thought nothing of it. However, when I turned around to get my muffin – it was gone!!

I asked Justin where the muffin went – he responded, “I don’t know daddy! You need to get another one.”

Family Jewels

Justin and I like to unwind at the end of the day with a little “rough-housing.” It usually begins sometime after dinner and can take place on either the sofa or the master bedroom. (I prefer the bedroom just because there is more space and more pillows just in case someone gets hurt.) I know that playtime has begun when Justin rips off his shirt, flexes his tiny muscles, and then flings himself onto me.

However, I’ve come to the realization that playtime usually comes to an end when someone gets hurt!! And, that someone is ALWAYS me! And – it’s not that I get “hurt” – it’s that I get whacked in the groin!!!!! My “kibbles and bits” have taken a severe beating over the past few years thanks to a certain 3 ½ year old who lives in my house.

When I was growing up my father and I would play, too. We would be in the backyard throwing the baseball around and I would always ask for “just one more.” Inevitably, that last throw would hit me in the head and I would run into the house crying! Now, I pray for a baseball to be thrown at my head!!

These days, I get punched in the “peepee”, kicked in my “kiwis,” or smacked on the “schmeckle”. He has clobbered me with his fists, knees, elbows, feet, and he has even run head-first into my “family jewels.” He’s also used inanimate objects! I’ve been beaten with a waffle ball bat and a plastic fishing rod. He’s even managed to bring me down with a well thrown Hot Wheels car at “Captain Winky and his Two First Mates.”

I now have a theory – he’s trying to prevent me from procreating! That’s right! I am starting to wonder if Justin is taking steps to ensure that he is an only child!

He’s like an explorer who crosses a bridge and then burns it so that no one can follow him.

Justin’s Magical Elixir

After an hour of horsing around and jumping on Daddy, Justin told me that his tummy hurt. He went on to tell me that he needed “medicine.” I told him that he didn’t need medicine – but he yelled, “NO, I want MED-CINE!!”

Thinking quickly, I grabbed his hand and took him into the kitchen where we made/created “Justin’s Magical Elixir”. We poured apple juice into a cup, added two blueberries (because three blueberries will make you a junkie), and a drop of honey.

I then told him that this was his “special medicine” and that he needed to drink it while sitting quietly on the sofa. “Magically”, he felt much better.

Either Justin thinks I’m Merlin The Magician or the guy behind the counter at Jamba Juice.

Date Night

A quick note about “Date Night.” As many married couples know, this is the night set aside for you to get re-aquainted with your significant other. One of the side effects of this event is the “child having a meltdown because you are leaving them with a babysitter.”

However, last night….this was not the case. Justin had not one, but two cute babysitters arrive at 7pm. He proceeded to play “hide and seek” with them (a game most dates traditionally end with). Then he spent 10 minutes trying to get Audra and I to leave the house. He practically unlocked the door, ran outside to start the car for me, and give me directions to dinner via Mapquest.

At that moment, I realized that to Justin -“Date Night” was actually referring to HIS night with the babysitters!!

Requiem for a Potty

For the past week, I have been working on potty training Justin. Last night, while giving Justin a bath, I was sitting next to the toilet when I heard, “Glub” then “GLUB GLUB”. I casually reached over and gave the toilet a flush just to make sure everything was ok and it EXPLODED!! God knows what was in the bottom of that toilet, but it was now on the bathroom ceiling, the walls, me, Justin, the magazine rack, the mirror, etc.

I quickly grabbed Justin out of the tub, wrapped him in a towel (like a burrito so he couldn’t get away) and put him in his bedroom. Then, I pushed the stopper in the tub to have it drain while I dealt with the toilet. While cleaning shit/piss water off of everything, I looked over and realized that now the tub wasn’t draining either….and now Justin managed to find his way back into the bathroom to splash around in the previously mentioned shit/piss water.

Once again, I scooped him up and then got him dressed in pajamas and stuck him in front of the television. Then, I went back to the bathroom to clean it out. I moved all of Justin’s potty training stuff to the master bathroom. Sadly, curiosity got the better of me and I flushed that toilet as well. (In retrospect, I should have kept my head a little further away from the “blast zone.”) Now I had another toilet erupting.

I immediately grab my blackberry and emailed Audra that I need a plumber’s number ASAP (she was on a plane coming back from DC) because “We’re taking on too much water. ABANDON SHIP!! ABANDON SHIP!!”

In an effort to find a plumber at 10:00pm, I decided to call my neighbor Greg. Problem was – I couldn’t find his number!! So, I went back onto my Blackberry and Facebooked his wife, with “Call me, Help!” As soon as I hit send, I found their number in my kitchen (of course, Murphy’s Law). I call Greg and tell him what I needed, Audra landed and called back to tell me the plumber’s number is behind the kitchen cabinet, and as all the phones are ringing (and I’m sopping wet)- Justin chooses that moment to play “horsey” on my back. (Folks….I really wish I could make this up.)

Just as I finish explaining the situation to the plumber, Greg knocked on my door and said “I spoke with my friend and I know what to do.” We raced over to the sewer valve, opened the lid, and I heard him say “oh, dude, you don’t have a cutoff valve. You’re fucked.” (Thanks Greg). Justin, who has been outside with us (surveying the situation like a union foreman) decided that he had had enough and walked back into the house….closed the door…..and flipped the lock. Yes – he locked me out of the house. Greg fell over laughing. I finally bribed Justin to unlock the door by promising Legos and cookies.

Thirty minutes later the plumber showed up and assessed the situation. Between Justin’s toys everywhere, water leaking out of two rooms, a burning smell from the kitchen (because I forgot that Justin and I were making cookies), and now a burst light bulb in the entryway – I’m fairly certain this guy was going to call “Child Protective Services”.

He spent ten minutes snaking the drain and then came back into the house. His only question to me was “Are you potty training your son?” I was shocked!! I thought he was the Amazing Kreskin! How the hell did he know that?!?!?!?! “Yes,” I said proudly. He responded, “I guessed that because you clogged your pipes with used baby wipes. I just pulled a lump of them out of your drain. Stop doing that.”

And………THAT is how 10 baby wipes ended up costing me $245.00.

Baseball!

Justin and I got to school around 9am and I signed him in. Afterwards, he took me by the hand and we walked outside to the play area. There were about 10 children sitting on the stoop between the grassy part of the playground and the woodchips. Justin sat down in the row and then made me sit down right next to him. And, then Dylan sat down on the other side of me. Justin then turned to me and explained that they were playing “baseball”.

One by one, Teacher Lilly and Teacher Saul would pick a child out of the lineup….and then Saul would “catch” while Lilly “pitched.” There was a little girl who they brought up first – she CLOBBERED the ball. (I signed her to an exclusive contract!) In the meantime, Justin is holding my right hand and Dylan is now holding my left hand. All of a sudden, Justin gets up and says “Stay right there daddy” and then runs off. He comes back a minute later with a little cup of water and hands it to me. Dylan and Justin proceed to explain that we need to drink water when we play baseball.

Finally, they call up Justin who runs over to Saul and grabs the bat…..and then holds it like a golf club. Saul corrects him, but he keeps holding it like a 9 iron. So, Lilly pitched it low and he did well the first time. The second time – he crushed it! In the meantime, Dylan is on my back screaming “Go Justin!!!”

It was a very surreal morning!